I was supposed to be making a video and writing a blog post on Facebook ads and different strategies to use them. I’m not.
Instead, after the 4th very poignant conversation with clients and colleagues on entrepreneur divorce or breakups recently, I made this video. If you’d prefer to read it, the text of the video is below.
Hey guys my name is Paul Zelizer from PaulZelizer.com
I’m supposed to be making a video on facebook ads and different strategies to use them. I’m not.
Instead, I’m making this video which is one that’s more heart-centered. It’s not the easiest topic. It’s called, “For Entrepreneurs Going Through a Breakup.”
I’ve been married twice and I’ve been divorced twice. I’ve been with two women over the past 20 years in any kind of long-term way.
Both of those times, when I was going to through those breakups – those divorces – they were incredibly poignant. I was the founder of a entrepreneurial nonprofit during the first one and running this business during the second one. About 2 years ago.
Breakups are really hard for me and when I was listening to the client that I just spoke to a little while ago I found that I was like, “All right. Enough. I have to make this video!”
It’s a really powerful time.
I have five tips for you to help you get through a breakup while staying true to yourself and being really kind of yourself. Because going through a breakup is an incredibly challenging time.
Grief changes our brain.
The first piece is I want you to respect grief. Grief is an incredibly powerful process and it changes everything in our nervous system, our biochemistry, our brain wiring. It REALLY changes things.
You’re going to find yourself struggling to do some of the things that you normally do. Your energy is going to be different, maybe lower. You’re gonna be different.
Some people people have trouble eating and they lose weight. You’re going to find your thinking is different. Your ability to relate. You might find your grasping for a word “I know it’s up there somewhere but I can’t get it out of my mouth.” That’s the grieving process and it’s OK.
Just acknowledge you’re going to be different for a while. Not going to think as fast. Your heart is operating at a different pace. It’s in a very internal focus so just let yourself be aware of that. If you need to, do some research on the grieving process.
The Importance of Self Compassion
The second piece is I want you to think about starting a self compassion practice. It’s a tool from the meditation world. There’s a wonderful woman named Kristin Neff and she’s got a whole business, a global presence around self-compassion. I’m not going to into all the research right now.
You can go check out her site and see resources, meditations, books, research.
Really think about about starting a self-compasion practice. It’s easy to beat ourselves up. I know I have – and sometimes still do
There are some ways and both of my marriages I showed up really beautifully and was my best self. And there’s other ways I wasn’t my best self I got triggered and did some things in times of frustration or being triggered that I regret.
It’s easy to beat ourselves up.
Self-compassion is about learning from those experiences. Without that beating up process – that’s when we really learn. When we are in a place of self-deprecation we can’t learn. We can’t change. That’s what Kristen Neff’s research is all about.
Lean in to support.
The third tip is I want you to lean in to support.
When I stepped back into the dating world after my second divorce, I went through an owie. (Yes, that’s a technical dating term) 🙂
It hurt and really touched me deeply. So, I reached out to a friend, “I am having a hard time”.
She said let’s go for walk. We went out for a walk on this beautiful day. We were walking along an arroyo in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Along this dry riverbed. And it’s gorgeous.
She said, “Do you want to talk about it?”
All I know is I’m hurting and I’m kind of tired of this whole story feeling really raw.
So, we just we walked for a while, enjoying the sky. We were present with each other. We sat down and we just started stacking rocks. She was there maybe 10 or 15 feet away from me. She was stacking rocks and I was stacking rocks. We would hand rocks to each other.
It was an incredibly beautiful day of spending quality time with somebody that cared about me. Where I could acknowledge that I was hurting and – if I needed to – talk about it.
And in that moment, what I really wanted was to be with somebody that cared about me. Where it wasn’t about dating. I didn’t have to deal with that for that moment because I was feeling really blah.
Find your version of that. Feeling supported and cared about. Spend time with people you love even if it’s not directly processing.
My fourth tip is I want you to get physical. That can change when you’re in the grieving process. You may be somebody who is usually very active. Like a long-distance runner or you workout in the gym or are a Crossfit person. You may find yourself not being able to do quite the same vigorous kind of exercise.
Make sure that you take care of your body. Good food. And exercise even if that wants to be a little more gentle. Maybe it’s doing Tai Chi instead of
heavy weights. Or going to yoga class instead of running that 10-mile run.
But make sure you’re doing physical things to actually move the energy and keep your body healthy. It will really help you work through the grief.
Look for ease in how you earn your livelihood.
The last piece is I want you to look for ease full ways to earn your livelihood. One of the clients that I was talking to this week is really shaken up.
In this coming apart, she not only lost one of her primary support support people, but there’s also big financial changes including a living situation change.
That’s a lot of change in a short amount of time. That’s what breakups can be. That’s what happens.
It also cam impact your finances through these mechanisms that I was talking about earlier. Your brain changes. You maybe a little more inward and not as easy to connect with. Maybe marketing isn’t easy to do.
For these reasons, you may find that you want to explore some other possibilities.
This client had some technical skills. In addition to the very deep, heart centered transformational work she does, we were talking about leaning on those technical skills. To get some money coming in that wasn’t requiring her to be as present sitting with as much raw human emotion. She was already raw.
You know – just plug some things into a computer and get a steady paycheck for a while. That can sound good!
So look for ease full ways to take care of yourself financially. And if you are somebody who does deep and transformational work you might want to scale it back a little bit if you need to. Let that be okay and find some other things just temporarily that allow you to take care of yourself financially.
From my heart to yours.
So what I really want to say those are some tips but mostly I want to say from my heart to your heart:
If you are going through a breakup or you recently have been through a breakup, I want to just breathe with you. I feel you.
I’m really sorry. And, I want to say you CAN get through this.”
My name is Paul Zelizer from PaulZelizer.com.
If you’re needing some support. If you are heartbroken. If you don’t know what to do next. Please feel free to reach out.
Take care of yourself.